InteractiveMoM.com... Hard Times, we all have them.. Death, sickness,
depression, old age, all of life ups and downs
Alison Part II
When any baby is born there are a lot of different emotions that surface, joy being the predominant
one. We were so very joyous at the birth of Alison. My husband was starting to break into the black in
his line of business and it looked very encouraging. We had just bought a house and were ready to
move in. We had four well behaved, beautiful children. We thought we had life pretty much figured
out.
When we found that Alison had a problem and would possibly need surgery, we were brought back
down to the realities of life. We were very much blown away. We were moving into a new house
with great plans for the future, and now everything was on hold. It's hard to keep going when you don't
know what will happen or if things will be OK. We didn't even know if we should take on the burden
of a house payment but we had to go on. Also Alison looked so very perfect and so we wondered if
there was really anything wrong. The reality that we are only here for a short while and we never
know exactly what will happen also came to mind. We were so very optimistic that we felt deep inside
that all would be OK.
We moved into our new house about a week before Alison went into the hospital. We didn't really
know any neighbors. We were still trying to get settled. One of the problems that we were facing was
that I wanted to continue to nurse Alison and the doctor also wanted me to continue, because it would
be so much easier on her body. We had three other little kids. The oldest was five and in
kindergarten, which takes up just enough hours to mess up your day. We had to find someone to watch
the kids and get Dirk from kindergarten. My husband was expanding in a new field and needed to go
to work to help pay the bills. Luckily it was not a nine to a five-type job, which allowed him to be
around when he was needed. He earned commissions though, so unless he was there, there would not
even be any potential for income. As we looked at all of the options available, we realized that we
could not do this alone. We contacted our church and they immediately helped set up women who
would be willing to help with babysitting during the day. Now the other kids were taken care of. That
was a great burden taken from us and me in particular since I was so used to being at home and caring
for the children. We only had one car, so in order for me to get to the hospital (which was about an
hour drive one way) my husband would have to take me there early and pick me up in the evening. It
would be a challenge to keep up with this schedule and we prayed that we would be able to endure.
We also knew that the only way we would make it through this ordeal was with the help of the Lord.
My husband and I had gone to the hospital together a few of the days during the testing process. It
was good to have each other for support in those trying times. I feel for anyone who doesn't have that
support. As we sat in the doctors office when he gave us the good and bad news of the results, I
remember feeling like I was almost in a dream. Could someone really be saying to us that our baby
would only have a 5% chance of surviving? As he explained that only 50% of the patients could have
the correcting surgery and only 10% of those patients survived, we were both shocked that this could
be happening. It was, though, and we had to do anything that was needed to help our daughter. The
only way we could know if Alison was in the 50% who could be operated on, was to have the
operation. You've heard stories of how a mother bear will go to great extent to protect her young, I felt
like a mother bear and was ready to do anything to save my baby. My husband was in that same
position too. I think we cried more right then than any other time in life. That was one of the ways that
I had to relieve the great pain and anxiety that I was feeling.
We now had to get onto a workable schedule to keep everyone going. We woke up early to get kids
ready for school and to go to the babysitters. When that was all taken care of my husband would drive
me up to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital, we both went in to see Alison, her daddy
would get to hold her for a little while before he left. Then he would leave to go do his business, an
hour drive away. When business was complete, he would usually pick the kids up from the
babysitters and then drive up to the hospital. Since this was a children's' hospital, they had toy rooms
for the kids to play in. A lot of times while Bruce was in with Alison I would go down to the play
room with the other kids and spend some time with them. Some times they would be able to see
Alison through a gallery window, to help them know that she was still there. After we had spent some
time with Alison and I had enough milk to leave her for the night we would make the trek home.
Sometimes we would have to get a burger on the way home or after we arrived home and a simple
dinner was prepared and we ate. We would read stories and play a little bit with the kids and then put
them to bed. Then the day's work would begin. We would have to do all the laundry and whatever
cleaning of the house and dishes that was required to keep life going. We would get to bed late and
then start again the next day.
During the day while I was at the hospital, I would nurse Alison and hold her, and hold her, and hold
her. Now these are my treasured memories with Alison and I am glad that I had this time with her. I
got to know the doctors and nurses and other parents of other babies in the hospital. There were also a
lot of the babies whose parents weren't there for some reason or another. I was so happy that I was able
to be there for my baby. I got to talk a lot of my stress out with other parents who were going through
somewhat similar circumstances. Even though every baby there was in for a different reason, we had a
common bond, a baby that we loved. I really did have it much easier during the day at this point. My
husband was the one who had to do all the driving, co-coordinating of schedules and kids, work with all
of the added stress of the situation. In those days you didn't hear too much about stress and stress
management. We just had to deal with things as best we could.
While Alison was going through the tests there were days when I could hardly stand to see the things
that she would have to go through. Times when I was needed to be with her, and I wanted to be with
her, while they put a catheter in her or took more blood. She was getting to know what all of the
things were, and she would cry in anticipation of the discomfort. I realized how strong she was as I
held onto her, trying to keep her still. I got to know the look in her eye when things weren't right. I
really developed an extra sense to know what her needs were. Then the testing was done and the
results were in, we felt like the operation was the next step to try and save our little girl. I think
through this process we were living on pure faith and hope and that was what was giving us the energy
to continue.
When it was time for the surgery, I can't even bring to words the torment that my husband and I felt as
we waited to hear from the doctor. Would they be able to find any open bile ducts? Would she even
make it through the surgery? I was so shaky and nervous the day of her surgery that I couldn't
concentrate to read or to do hand work. I hadn't started my periods since having her, but I did bleed on
that one day, that is one thing that I found that extreme stress can do to a body. My body was so wracked with
emotions. My husband and I just held onto each other and prayed and wept. It seemed like each hour
took an eternity. When the doctor came out, after about six hours of surgery, and told us that they had
found open bile ducts and that she was doing well, we were so very relieved, to say the least. We felt
like our prayers had been answered. There would be a chance that she would make it. When they
wheeled her out of the operating room we really wondered if what the doctor said about her being OK
was true. She looked almost dead with machines moving her chest up and down. She was pale and
lifeless. We could see where they had cut her open. Her belly was still orange from the Betadine. She
didn't even look like our little girl. We went in and spent a little time with her then, but there wasn't
much point because we couldn't hold her and she didn't know that we were there. We went home and
held our other children and felt lucky that we had them and that we were blessed enough to have her
still. The next time we saw her, the next day, she looked much better. She knew who we were and
slowly, after a few days, got happier. She recovered from surgery very quickly and well. We were so
encouraged by the way things were going. It really kept us going. I couldn't nurse her at this point and
so I also had to deal with engorged breast that hurt. I worked on keeping my milk though, anticipating
the time soon when I could resume nursing her. The emotions were still playing havoc with my body
and all of its functions. I think women have a harder time because of hormonal changes, and mine
were jumping all over the place. I relieved a lot of the added stress by crying a lot. The pressure gauge
would get too tight and I would explode, at least that is how I felt. This was also Christmas time and
on the way to and from the hospital we would listen to Christmas music. Usually Christmas music lifts
my spirits but not even that worked. I would listen and cry. Of course we couldn't take the other
children to the hospital while she was in intensive care and so we had to leave them in the evening too.
That only added to my thoughts and I missed them also. She was out of Intensive care within a week
though and we were back on a schedule that included the other children somewhat.
It was hard on everyone, our whole family life had been disrupted. We snatched minutes and seconds
with each other and held onto them as long as we could. We really did grow much closer together, all
of us, because we were trying to hold onto our family. We spent more time praying and trying to feel
the love of our Father in Heaven as well. He was our only hope.
Since this was during the Christmas season, and we tried to get our Christmas things up and ready. It
wasn't easy but we took time to do this on the week-ends when there was no school or work to deal
with Alison was recovering, but we still couldn't spend much time with her.
This scheduling and emotional roller coaster went on for close to a month. It's surprising how slowly a
month can go by when you are going through something like this. When you're pressed for time, you
always seem to be able to accomplish so much more though. That's what we were finding out. When
Alison came out of Intensive care, she progressed very rapidly. I was back to nursing her and she was
even gaining a little weight. She was looking a little happier. I could see a light beginning to glow in
her eyes again. We felt like she was going to prove all of them wrong. She would be the miracle, the
one the doctors could point to as the one who made it.
At last, the day came to take Alison home. We didn't tell the kids that she was coming home. We
wanted it to be a surprise. That was the best kind of surprise. After getting all of the medicines and all
of the instructions for the care of Alison I walked out of the hospital with my baby in my arms to greet
her brothers and sister. What a contrast of joy as we left to go home from the torment that we had felt
just a couple of weeks before. We all sighed a sigh of relief, we were once again a whole family.
